havent been here 4 so long. this is my space but i cant say whatever i want to say. its so hard to be a human. too much emotions, and we can no contral them. something we dont want accept something we dont want forget. i can still remember how happy i was. but now i feel so lonely. i hid everything deep in my heart. its really really so hard. i use alll my energy to keep myself stand there. im tired. i just want sleep. never wake up. so i will never feel this tired. sometime i feel that im a person from another world. no one can understand me. and i dont understand anyone. i want other peole know me but on another hand i hidding alll my feelings. dont wanna show anyone. i scare that if people know me so well. they will also know my weakness. then they can easily break me. i hate it.

today is valentines day. just like alll my other 23 years i spend this day with myself. people ask me y im so depressed. my answer is transmigration. we cant always be happy. so when the bad things came i will put alll my sadness in this period. after that i will be okay and wait untill next time. i think its better than sad alll the time. i got car accident yesterday. someone hit my car. my girl on my car. its make me feel so bad. even its not my fault. to much bad things came after that. i always say that i am a strong man. so i can take a lot of stuff. at least nothing can rout me til now. i am so happy with it.

day after days, we can be happy or sad. tomorrow when the sun rise up. smile to welcome a new day.

Happy Valentin's Day!

-- Kernan.Z

i am still awake. i couldnt sleep. cause i dont know what you gonna to say me today. i had a dream one month ago. and today is the day that happend in my dream. but i dont know if my dream will happen today or something else that totally different wilth my dream will happen. sometimes i feel that something happened in my dream before but i dont know if this time my dream will be come true. but i dont think so. at least i didnt feel it will happen. i can feel a lot of stuff. most of time they all truth but only most of time not everytime. its kind of sarcasm. for me.

                                -- Kernan.Z <3

things wont be like what you think. that is life.

                                -- X Kernan.Z <3

1109 this number is so important. why? i wont tell you. if you know you know. if i have another chance to add a number i hope its the number i want.

i want to say somthing but i dont know where i can start. i have been talking too much and doing too much. i dont think anything works. maybe you already know what will happen to us. you just want make it done. this is not the first time i told you that im your husband or boyfriend. but i dont think you looks like that anymore. i dont know why i feel this i just feel it was just like that. maybe he can make you happy more. maybe he can stay with you longer than i do. maybe he can give the feeling that i cant give you. maybe he is better than me. maybe you think you love him more than love me. i dont konw why you choose him over me even you told me you didnt. i think you thinking that you are single now. so you can just start a new relationship with him. do you think this is right? maybe for you you should do like this. you tell me you dont know what do you want. but now you got the thing you want. you know what do you want and you just make me have too do in this way. do i have a choice do you give me a chance to choose. NO! you already choose him. then you just show me the answer. you say i was so meanto you but i dont know what did i do is so mean. too mean to make you go find another one. i really dont understand and you never give me a reason. but now nothing is important. i dont know that how you finish us or you really just want stay alone for a while. i just so scare you alrasdy have the answer again but i m the last one who know it. i will try to not think about it. i hope that you can remember what you say to me before you took the ring off. i hope that you wont lie to me again. i still belive that you are my bebe. you told me that you care about me. you told me that you will take care of me. i dont know you really do or you just dont want me sad. if the thing you dont want to do dont do it. i think you can talk to me more about anything. i told you i wont start talk about him first. but i think you should tell me what happen to you two. at least im still your "boyfriend". i always feel like i have a lot of stuff want to say but i have to stop now. i dont know you watch this or not. i wish you can understand me, you, us, our life. i cant choose anything for you now. you have to make your own choice. right or wrong. whatever you choose its yours. you becoming a big girl now.

i dont know what i can call you in this time. but if i can i still want call you bebe. i dont know if you still can hear i call you.

now everything is done for us. tomorrow we all have a new life. wish you can be happy. talk to me if you want too.

promise! i always belive your promise. all the love we have. all the memorys we have. <3

Hunny, i dont know if this is the last time i call you hunny but i know that i am losing you now. i dont know if this is the time to say goodbye but tmy heart just told me that we done. we talk about this 4 times already most time was i telling you stuff. i didnt see anything change inside you. i just feel that the more i say the farther we are. you didnt say anything that hunrt me directly but the thing you say just shows me how you feel about me about our love is totally died. hunny you never lie to me before but now you start lying. when i find out you lie to me i feel so bad or i can say that is the worse thing forever. first i think the thing you say is because we fight last week and you feel that i dont care you that much. until now i know that you deside to leave me long time ago. you just make everything ready then tell me at the end. you keep say sorry to me. i dont think sorry do anything. what i want is you told me that you wont think about him you wont like him anymore. but i cant ask you to say that. cause i dont want you lie to me AGAIN. i want you tell me the truely feeling you have. i think you already did from your acting and talking. i was still thinking that everything is not true you still mine. i was just in a bad dream. but the dream is becoming real.

Bebe, you never told me why and how you start like him. what i think is i cant stay with you alot and in the past one month we not stay together that much. maybe he works with you and go school with you. then when you miss me he was beside you. he was just one person that can replace me when we not together. you know you wrong but why you keep doing this. i dont know you really cant stop or you just dont want stop. i do anything for you and im your husband but now i cant even beat a guy you just know for 2 month. its so funny. i do alll the stuff and give you more time to go out just make you >>> me. i think i am the most stupid guy ever.

i dont think i will talk too much tonite. cause i have been talk too much. i think i did everything that try to make you come back to me. but if you dont want to then i cant do anything or anything i did is USELESS. maybe you never want to come back. the thing i say can not even change you a little bit. i wish that when you talk to me dont lie cause i konw what is lie. whenever you date with any guys dont lie that is so bad hunny. i dont know what can i call you after we are not together. i dont know what you will call him after you be together with him. i cant think about this its just hurt me again. you ask me to wait for you. i will say i can wait for you until you find out what do you want. i can wait for you but i just dont know how long i can wait for and i just scare some day you tell me wait for you again. you always say that i dont listen to you. did you know that its because i listen to you too much then i lose you. no lunch dont pick you up dont go out dont kiss you dont touch you go home early ......

 

i really hope what i say today we can read it together someday. at that time we are all okay. we still love each other alot. we just read it laugh then its all pass. hunny i love you.

 

 

 

我不难过了 甚至真心希望你能幸福 当我了解 你只活在记忆里头 我不恨你了 甚至感谢这样不期而遇
当我从你眼中发现 我已是陌生人了

 

一直以为我是真的生活在记忆里  直到现在才发现 是记忆占据了我的生活  我总想努力让自己不忘记过去 我甚至可以牺牲任何一部分的记忆区域 去保存这最原始的过去 也许这就是我记忆力越来越差的原因吧 但是人脑始终是人脑 不能像电脑那样准确无误的记录一切 可能今天我记得的 明天就记不得了 或者过了几天又记得了 反反复复 我记得的东西是越来越少了 记忆是会消失的 我甚至不记得小学学校的位置 初中好朋友的姓名 或者高考自己的分数 失去这一切 只为了保留一个动作 一句话 甚至一个眼神

陌生了 消失了 生活就这样过去了